Asking for a help might be the most adult-est thing I’ll ever do

I might be the most dramatic person I’ve ever met which is fine because drama makes life a little bit interesting however lately the “imaginary” dramas I’m creating around my life by myself is getting out of control to the point where I’m to get stressed or getting mad at every single problem. Big ones, small ones, the ones that won’t matter in the next 5 hours, 5 days, 5 years and 5 lifetimes.

I was always been dramatic in fact, one of the earliest memories from my childhood is that me lying on a floor crying because I was hungry. The thing is I never told anyone that I am hungry but still expected them to know my stomach is getting really close to my back. My grandma would ask me what’s wrong but even then I wouldn’t say a word. My grandmother is the softest, kindest, caring and loving person I know. I think in 22 years she got mad at me 2,3 times only and whenever she’s mad she’d just be quiet. I, on the other hand, would cry out loud a lot and scream to my pillow till I feel the soreness in my throat and now I just scream and cry a lot. Oh and throw things to floor.

Few years have passed since I started “acting” like an adult and my sanity went south and since then I started crying and getting mad at the smallest inconveniences and on and on. I’m actually writing it 5 hours after my last biggest break-down.

I’m the luckiest insane person I know too. Back home, my grandma was there to comfort me at all times then I came to Hungary (this place actually started to test my sanity bit by bit) I met one of my best friends here. Her and I have a similar mindset, apart from my insanely dramatic behavior, she understands everything that’s going on around me and most importantly how I’m feeling. Whenever something happens and I lose my shit she’s been here to calm me down and lead me to the right direction. And there’s “the office” obsessed one with her smart advices on my academic and private lives. Also a year ago I met 2 girls who were probably the best roommates I’ve ever had then of course, the one who broke my “single curse”. It’s only been couple months with him but seriously I don’t know how he puts up with me, I mean yeah I’m not all bad but I always worry if I’m scaring him off but then he kisses me on the forehead. I always think I shouldn’t be this ungrateful for all this love but then a life throws a problem at me and me get hit right on the head again..

The thing is I do come up with solutions and fix the problems it’s just that duration where I’m looking for a way.. I lose my shit there.

This is probably not interesting but here’s my last one that probably scared one of my roommates to death and to the point where she probably thinks I belong in asylum.

The whole thing started with my mom saying she’s gonna come to UK for some events with her friends and since she’s coming to europe and I’m not going back home this summer she wanted me to visit for couple days. But us Mongolians need visa for that. Did you know Hungary doesn’t actually have the authority to issue UK visa and they send your application to Poland? And takes 14 WORK DAYS to make a fucking visa and send back your passport? I’m not saying it’s very unreasonable but oh fucking c’mon already. And their site would crash all the time while you’re trying to book an appointment which btw costs 67€. I’m already paying for the application and now for “using” the visa application center. Oh give me a break. Fucking bureaucracy.

Anyways, I couldn’t fill out any application or anything until it’s sure that my mom’s coming and she got the visa in early May and the only date I could book then was a week before I’m supposed to be in UK. Fast forward to present, which is a flight to UK, I got my passport delivered to me today and I called my mom right away and said “Okay Mom, I got the passport they gave me the visa and I could fly out tonight or tomorrow really early in the morning since you’re leaving tomorrow afternoon” and I gave her all the options and prices of the tickets and she said okay you coming at night sounds great book it then I told her its very expensive and she kinda backed out then out of nowhere she hung up. So I went back to my desk and started studying thinking okay so I’m not going anywhere today or maybe I could still go in the morning. By this point I’d have made it to the airport which takes 3 hours to get to without any of the breakdowns but she was all okay bye ttyl. Then 2 HOURS LATER, she calls me asking all the options again and if theres another ones. I found one but I told her its very risky I will barely make to the airport and she went all its fine hurry up come meet me. Then I booked the ticket, checked in to get my boarding pass and it says you have to print. I have to leave the house in 10 mins and I haven’t finished packing. I started to feel the tears in my eyes and before I knew it I was crying. I think I hit my laptop few times, my other roommate went out to print it but then texted me saying all the places we know is closed and then I went nuts. I started throwing everything away things that was on my bed. I threw my favorite mug on the floor. I started to hit my wardrobe doors so hard and later I saw all the shelves inside fell down. Everything on the floor.. it was chaotic. I’d be pretty lucky if I have any room left when I get back.

Now that I’ve given you what was going on the outside, here’s what’s on the inside: Me feeling like nothing’s going to work or everything is going downhill because of my stupidity. And my mom blaming me for everything and getting mad at me. A lot of my mental breakdowns starts with me blaming myself for everything and never learning from my mistakes. And scared if everyone would blame me too. In that moment, nothing would make sense in my head, the balcony door was open I actually thought what if I jump out of it right now? It’s not just because I was about to miss my flight, I’ve had a lot of stress since April with finals, and my period being late then when it finally arrived it wouldn’t stop, everyone keep asking what I’m going to do this summer, when am I graduating, all the details in my life I have no fucking clues to and I still have final exams left I have to study for and I might even fail the one I already failed before.

Everyone goes through hardships in life, all the things I’m feeling and thinking are the exact same thing millions of millions are going through right now and yes It’s okay to feel these but I’m failing miserably at handling.

Anyways, I somehow miraculously made it to my flight and when I was in the train to airport, I’ve thought about all the options and things I could have done instead of breaking down but my brain decided to scream and cry at that time. I’m actually starting to consider therapy. I know it kinda sounds stupid and unnecessary but I’m really not enjoying life at all. I’m not dealing with problems and situations right. I might get the job done but in the process I feel like dying is better than all these. Then I’d somehow overcome it and feel a little better.

. In the train I was thinking about the things I threw out of my bed and I’ve realized the pillow that I’ve put my boyfriend’s shirt on was on it then I thought about what if its still on the floor and how much I love that shirt and should have brought it with me and how cruel, bad and stupid person am I for getting all worked up for probably nothing.

I got pretty mad at him on the phone for some logistics for today’s incident too but as soon as I heard myself starting to get mad I’ve thought to myself “What am I doing? This is the guy you love and loves you who’s trying to help you when he could just leave you with your problems and is going through a pain right now and this is how you show your appreciation? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Then I apologized and yeah still good with him.

I often wonder if he’d give up on me one day and walk away. I’d say he isn’t the type of guy who would do such thing but no one knows how far my annoyance will get and everybody has their tolerance level. I’ve had mental breakdowns before, big ones, they always come out in the smallest things. All the stress, rage I was keeping inside, locking it and pushing it down.. all would just burst out of me. I know it’s not the way to handle things and I’m terrible at adulting right now but I never thought I would actually need help to fix it. But the moment I changed the tone of my voice while talking to the guy I love for something so stupid and small was when I realized I probably need a lot of help.

I was only torturing myself physically and emotionally before and scaring my roommates little off (super duper sorry about that) but now I’m about to start hurting my loved ones and I refuse to let that happen.

As I said before, everyone goes through this. Your parents did, your grandparents did and I’m sure your kids and their kids will too. The importance is never to feel you’re wrongfully different than others or something is wrong with you, sometimes all you need to do is ask for help to improve your mental state and that’s nothing to be ashamed of, most probably that would be the most adult-est thing you’ll ever do.

P.S: I wrote all these on the plane and the guy sitting next looking at me and this with “Oh shit, what her boyfriend dooo??” look.